Why yes, I am writing this because I have better things to do....

I am doomed. I have two papers to write in a time span that is impossibly small. Yes I planned poorly. Yes I will look tired and drawn in a matter of hours, no I don't care. I am concerned with other things. Why does life always seem to give me brilliant revelations when I have other things I have to get done (and in doing so makes me completely forget the revelation)?

When I was little younger I wanted to be an astronaut (until I discovered a healthy fear of dieing in a vacuum), a vet (until I realized I couldn't stand to watch animals die every day), a musician (until I went into a college department that hated what I loved), and finally a silversmith (still want it). Did anyone see philosophy on there? No. I do philosophy because I can't help it. It's what I think about all day, but it's not what I want to formally do out in front of everyone. I don't want to argue over things about which I am unsure. Don't even get me started on the people I would be arguing against. It all seems entirely fruitless. Today I may choose this stance, tomorrow it's wrong and I'm supposed to pretend I never said that... ummm... no. I refuse. I am now simply squandering my life away. Biding my time until... until... Oh yeah, there is no until. Great. This was the conclusion that hit me a few weeks ago.

Now I am changing my whole viewpoint. I want to create. It's what I've always wanted to do, what I'm obsessed with. I hate competition, and philosophy is competitive, so maybe this just isn't right for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to study it, probably still going to be involved in it, but I don't want that as my life. For now I will bide my time in order to decide what my next move should be. Should I get formal training in music, metal work or nothing at all? I know that what I do in the next few years is going to do a lot to me later in life, I just hope I will have the courage to make good choices. I think I'll pretend I'm someone else planning a life for me. This should at the very least be an interesting experiment. Here goes.